: 05 February 2004 :

Well, I had an appraisal today.

If nothing else, it’s encouraged me to post here for the first time in god knows how long. Partly because I need to write all of this down somewhere. Partly because it’s made me realise how fast time’s going by without me having achieved anything. One of the adjectives used in the appraisal (apart from “laidback,” “derisive,” “brusque,” “irritating” and others) was “arrogant”. Maybe I was arrogant, to begin with. I’m certainly having it kicked out of me now.

I think I’m a lot shyer and humbler than I seem, underneath the veneer of caustic arrogant cynicism. I’ve certainly got reason to be humble. The arrogance could be a defence mechanism. I don’t know. I’ve been feeling pretty crappy, though, recently. The Royal Court Theatre’s got a Young Writers’ Festival, and I was trying to write a play for that. All of January I thought and scribbled, and there was still nothing worth reading when deadline week came round. A few half-decent outlines, which I suppose is something. Then one of my friends told me about a music website that was looking for reviewers. Sounds ideal. Turns out even writing about my top five records of last year is beyond me. And a 300-word rant about music – nothing. Nothing. I used to be able to knock out 300-word rants in my sleep. Even my fucking Friendster profile was too much effort to write.

Hear that, people? That’s a proper hipster whinge.

I realised some time ago that I’d been doing more writing when I was working in a coffee kiosk than I am now I’m at a magazine company. I have no idea why. Maybe I was hungrier when I was there. At least, I know I was in a literal way. Put on more than half a stone after I left that job. Not helped by the fact that I’m about to go down to the square to get fish and chips for my tea. (It’s OK, I don’t do it that often. I took the stairs to my flat instead of the lift today. That’s my justification. I reckon fifteen flights of stairs excuses the odd fish supper).

See, I can’t even write about not writing without getting distracted by food. You fucks!

Anyway, here’s hoping I’m back for a while. I do miss this thing.